The TomKat Files: The Cruise PR Machine Kicks Into Overdrive

Posted by J.J. Kincaid

I guess the Culture Vulture has to get some kind of word in on this one in the name of crass commercialism.

What am I going to say? Tom Cruise is a fellow Cancer, he was Viper, and at least in terms of acting, he is my generation's Paul Newman (and, like Newman, he's at least 15 years away from getting a long-deserved Oscar and will get it for about his 32nd best performance.) Katie Holmes is pixie-like cute. She'll be able to play 18 when she's 40 and still be cute enough that when they ask her to play a 20-something and come off looking like an idiot (watch her yell "I AM the District Attorney" before running across the bridge in "Batman Begins" and tell me you don't disagree), she'll actually be able to get away with it with little career damage.

A word of advice to both of you - stick to acting.

Tom - I love that you're bitch-slapping Brooke Shields (a non-talent who has had it coming for at least 20 years.) But, dude, you don't know jack about psychology until you can at least answer the question on how you met Katie Holmes (that question you continuously deflect.) If it was a PR wet dream to get a good opening weekend for "War of the Worlds", say it. Heck, I wouldn't blame you. If my next film co-starred a child actress so associated with some of the worst cinematic dreck of the 20th century like Dakota Fanning, I'd be doing all kinds of whacky junk for publicity too.

Katie - get a good hypnotist to snap you out of the trance you're in. Tom Cruise made for a nice poster in your bedroom so you have something to watch while working with that first vibrator somebody gave you at your sweet sixteen. But get real 'Kate' (as Tom begins the Cruisification of her name) conveniently parted company with another tall actress he was married to (Nicole Kidman for those of you who really live under rocks but have DSL connections) just before some major community property laws in California kicked in. You will be expendable too by the earlier of his next film that doesn't pull in $100 million in the first weekend or the next DVD release that tanks. There is also no evidence to suggest that he has sperm of good motility (if any at all.)

In the meantime, at least you two are more fun than Eva Longoria and Tony Parker. At least Tom pretending he's an axe murderer on Oprah's couch is funny and much more appealing than Eva needing to show the world where she's taking a walk in Who-the-hell-cares Europe while the Emmy nominations are being announced...

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