Slime Season

Slime Season

Is it me or does recent news out of Hollywood indicate that things are getting downright creepy? I'm just browsing through some examples:

James Woods on his 20-year old girlfriend, actress Ashley Myrick, in US Weekly: "She has it all: beauty, brains, and charm. I knew her when she was a little kid" I realize that there have been disturbing relationships in Hollywood before (think Robin Williams marrying his maid, Dustin Hoffman marrying his kids' babysitter; Michael Douglas associating with Catherine Zeta-Jones who reduces her age by one year each time a new calendar starts.) I guess Canada has Celine Dion marrying the man who managed her career since she was a 13 year-old girl. I just don't remember cases where a guy diddles someone he remembers watching in a sand box! It would be a great favor to society if all states draw up restraining orders keeping this guy at least 200 feet away from any park or playground in the future. Maybe Utah and Arkansas won't play along but it's worth a try at least.

Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt have entered into some kind of diabolical family-building competition. Tom is hoping to procreate a baseball team which I have little doubt will be news to, well, his personal oven (the Katiematic). I realize the prospect of nine more home-schooled-by-Scientologist-members kids reeks of numerous things creepy but subjecting Katie to that turkey baster so many more times verges on a criiminal act. I'm not sure even a year's supply of K-Y will help. Then there's Brad and Angelina who want to form their own United Nations Security Council, comprised of countries that most Americans could never find on a map (Canada and Mexico being the obvious exceptions.) Given that "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" haven't been a couple for even two years and given he's coming off the break-up with Hollywood's Queen of the Paranoid, Self-Absorbed Thirtysomethings and she's coming off bizarre infatuations with Billy Bob Thornton, a weird Asian lesbo, and her own brother, you'd think they'd just spend some time getting to actually know each other first.

Katherine Heigl. I thought it was loopy enough that she decided to tell the world that she wants to make a sex tape with her boyfriend and seems to derive maximum satisfaction from handcuffing him to the bedposts . Now she announces that she's going to marry the dude who apparently is a musician (check engagements.ca for further details). I think the guy better stay away from the musicians and stay close with the "American Idol" tribe. Submission doesn't win you many friends. Clay Aiken maybe....

Staying on the topic of actresses with big melons, there's Hollywood lactation queen Kate Beckinsale. I was half-dozed one night watching Jay Leno (or maybe half-drunk because I can't imagine why) and I could have sworn hearing something about Kate squirting breastmilk across a room. Turns out my eardrums were correct and not completely destroyed by being married to somebody whose snores cause decibel-counting devices to beg for mercy. Now, as one of that tiny handful of people who remember what Kate Beckinsale looked like in films made on shoestring budgets before she moved on to big-budget overwrought pretentious junk like "Pearl Harbor" and "Underworld", let me say this people - it ain't milk. It's saline.

Then there are those who to make damn sure you remember that they have big melons. Of course, I'm talking about Anna Hathaway. She's decided to help publicity for "The Devil Wears Prada" (one of those "you gotta read this" books my wife threw at me which I managed to avoid long enough to let the dreadful movie tell me how bad it was. Like "Memoirs of a Geisha" before it and, with confidence, "The Nanny Diaries" in 2007) by telling us of co-star Stanley Tucci's habit of molesting them when and wherever possible on the set. Tucci, of course, is a decent actor who probably got his name recognized when he mercilessly mercilessly screwed around with Carmela Soprano during their time on-stage performing "Frankie and Johnny" which was, of course, news to his wife. Now I guess we should be really worried about a bald old man in a jacket copping a bunch of cheap squeezes of the Charmin of 20 year-olds. I don't know if stuff like this is good for $10 million extra at the box office (it would have been if Hathaway had made as generous comments about her "assets" being fully displayed in "Brokeback Mountain") but, at worst, I'm guessing it gets her a call from James Woods' representatives....

Anne Hathaway, The Princess of Prada [Photo Credit]

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[ READER COMMENTS ]

1. 1

   Foo said:

   Katherine Heigl said that jokingly in an interview for FHM in 2004. She wasn't even dating her current husband to be at the time.

   Posted at 01:32 PM, on July 10 2006

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