Kenny Chesney - A Biography in Hell

Posted by J.J. Kincaid

Kenny is the prototypical good 'ole boy. Heck, he even went to university in Tennessee (East that is.) That being said, you can't be in college forever (well, you could but you could be construed as really weird.) So if you're a good 'ole boy who has a voice that won't break the tiles when you sing in the shower, you have to think. There isn't much of a future in the tobacky fields. Truckers don't get the hottest chicks. You can't throw a football like your college bud, Peyton Manning. Hey, wait - those shower tiles hold up? Well dammit, I think I'm gonna sing for my supper!

So Kenny embarked on his career and made all the right moves at the right times. He got managers who knew there was a market left void because Randy Travis' hair got too grey and Garth Brooks got too rich to care anymore. He stole Dwight Yoakum's hat collection. He sprinkled "new country" ballads with songs that would attract all the folks from the "Drop-kick Me Jesus through the Goalposts of Life" school of titling (which explains "She Thinks My Tractor is Sexy".)

Alas time passes and Kenny managed to avoid the Jack Daniels and strip joints and when people see you spend all of your time in white shirts, tight blue jeans, and black hats, they start to wonder. Is our good 'ole boy living the right life? If he doesn't, he won't even be found in the delete bin in Tupelo. But Kenny and the entourage got wise. Sing more songs about women than ever. In fact, expand your audience by coming up with a ditty like "You Had Me From Hello". Neurotics will think of you as the male version of Renee Zellweger. Heck, you might even get the one and only Renee Zellweger!

Might? Did! So, in the course of three months, he met her and married her. Without a single paparazzi even finding out. Imagine that....

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