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Hell's Angel(s) of the Month

This is a new segment that will pop up once in a while. Let's face it - the world of celebrity is littered with idiots doing idiotic things all the time. However, sometimes a celebrity pulls a stunt so utterly ridiculous that even Paris Hilton might say "Gee, that's not so hot" (I know Paris trying to string five words in a sentence is a bit of a stretch but let's go with it.)

I can't possibly imagine a more deserved inaugural winner (or "winners" in this case) than Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros from the TV series "Lost". Yes, there are lots of drunk drivers in this world - celebrities, celebrity wannabees, and "no chance at fame whatsoever" (examples - you and I) classes. But, drunk driving in Hawaii??!?!?!?!?! I mean, how many times would you have to smash your head into a concrete wall before enough brain cells expire to the point where you would even THINK about doing that?

For those who are unaware, Hawaii is a series of islands, just about all of which has only one highway which basically runs around the periphery (okay, there are two on Oahu where the dopey duo were busted but the H2 is there so football fans don't end up driving through pineapple fields to find the Aloha Bowl stadium.)

Like any American state, Hawaii has police. But, seriously, how much work does an Oahu police officer need to do? You don't really have "urban ghettos", or guns, or knives, or violent crime. In fact, the most heinous things those officers have to see in Oahu is Waikiki and its endless stream of tourists in their muumuus and floral shirts pretending that they are blending into the island culture (why can't a politician make this a criminal offense subject to the death penalty? C'mon Ahhhhnold - work with me!!!) Thus the only job they really can do to merit the big bucks the union says they're entitled to would be to ….. yup ….. watch the traffic. And what an easy job that is! Police chase? No problem. Let the yutz drive off - you'll catch him when the highway comes back to you.

So the lean, young toughie actress who is guaranteed the first casting director call if they ever remake "The Warriors" and the actress who's career highlight was playing Christopher Titus' girlfriend decided you can have a pile of drinks, get hammered, and bob and swerve all over the island highway because everybody in Hawaii goes to sleep by 7 and, hey, it's an island, right? Wrong. "Shockingly" a cop, perhaps munching on some Spam (a Hawaiian "delicacy"), caught them in the act.

I'm sure Ms. Rodriguez and Ms. Watros' agents, in consult with ABC and Disney, have already assembled the proper legal staff required to negotiate a suspended sentence with the adequate community service time during the "Lost" shooting recess under the auspices of the international VIPEOUT (Very Important Elite Persons of the Universe Treaty) rule dealing with every crime and misdemeanor known to man.

However, a word of warning to those of you planning a Hawaiian vacation soon. The fines from this case and the corresponding increase in the number of shiny new cars that the Honolulu Police Department puts out on the roads shortly is, shall we say, purely coincidental.....

Quick Link Round-Up:
• ‘Lost’ star told police ‘just put a gun to my head and shoot me’ [MSNBC]
• Lost star in deep [News.com.au]
• Lost Stars Have Need for Speed [People]

Happy Holidays from Hell!

TAGS: cops drunk hawaii lost

Pain in the Ashlee

Let me break down this little Ashlee Simpson Loses It at McDonald’s incident a little further because the cellcam edits just don’t tell the whole tale. I do this for readers not located in Centre of the Universe, Canada (also known as Toronto because Toronto readers would not know otherwise.) It’s my understanding that Ashlee’s handlers – basically, whomever her pervert of a dad Joe hires these days – seemed to have taken offence in that Ashlee’s private right to consume a burger as she pleases was compromised.

Next time, Joe might want to hire a Canadian publicist to escort the little spitfire because, at the very least, the blonde dye job has actually affected her brain cells. Apparently, before the Big Mac Attack hit, Ashlee took in a couple of hours of good private drinking at the Four Seasons Hotel. Heck, any level-C celebrity could tell you that you might as well try for a “private” drink in the middle of Times Square. That is because, right off the bat, just about anybody in the entertainment biz who comes to Toronto either stays at the Four Seasons or The Intercontinental down the road. In fact, the Four Seasons is the main headquarters hotel for the Toronto International Film Festival every year. Thus, you can expect snapperazzi to comb the place non-stop.

Where Ashlee chose to drink is bad enough. Then she figures she’ll treat her buzz with a 1:30 am visit to the nearyby Bloor Street Golden Arches. Hey, what the heck – who would hit a Mickey D at 1:30 am? Well, considering the McD in question is only located in the middle of the campus of the largest university in the country (the University of Toronto), I would guess an awful lot of drunken and/or stoned folk.

The rest, as they say, is history. One final thought though. Did anybody notice that Ashlee hurled her abuse at a black counter girl? So far, the event has garnered very little tabloid coverage beyond the internet. Wanna bet if this was, say, L'il Kim venting on a white counter girl what kind of news story it would be?

Fact of life - dimwit blonde white girls can get away with anything. If that were not the case, Paris Hilton would prabably be well into her career as a floor-mopper...

TAGS: ashlee simpson drunk toronto