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The Saddest Music In The World

• Lohan Performance 'Erratic And Miserable' [PostChronicle]
• Lindsay Lohan In Tribute To Dead Pal [FemaleFirst]

I’ve been pondering for the longest time whether to write about which of Jessica Simpson or Hillary Duff is the worst singer on the planet before the two of them diet themselves into complete nothingness.

That was until Tuesday night’s American Music Awards when I found the clear winner. The Nielsen ratings indicate that about 10 people watched the program but I have to say that Jessie and the Duffster can’t hold a candle to that Lindsay Lohan! No voice, no stage presence and unbelievably bad rhythm even for a white girl!

By the way, has the entertainment industry become so awful that we now have to plunder the depths of creating so-called “triple threat” stars? Lohan has been a respectable actress who has started her acting career quite similar to Jodie Foster in the 70’s. So why the need to sing? I mean, really, there ought to be some kind of law that unless the actor can write like Bob Dylan, the singing should be confined to the shower like the rest of us. Then again, I suppose the money involved for being mediocre at multiple tasks pays more than refining your craft at one.

AMA Photo Gallery [ABC]

TAGS: music awards lohan cash

Yo Adrian! I've Still Got A Career!

Okay, let me get this straight - Sylvester Stallone is going to make BOTH Rocky VI and Rambo IV. Is this April 1? Is some moron actually going to pay him to do this stuff?

Right off the bat, Rocky V was a complete and utter bust which didn't even attract the die-hards. Given Sly's age, the only way he could enter a ring is with Depends under his shorts. Rambo III fared a little better - I can only imagine how many Republicans still use it a motivational tool - but, at this point in life, Rambo would have to be retired from active duty and learning how to spell "colostomy bag".

I guess royalty checks have withered down and Sly needs something to resurrect a career that has been pretty much declared DOA since "Demolition Man" in the mid-80's. Why can't modern Hollywood actors age gracefully? Robert Redford seems to be. I guess Clint Eastwood is too (although it took him to about age 70 to realize that shtupping 30+ years younger women onscreen verges on creepy.)

One of these days, the A-listers are going to realize that you can grow old and live comfortably off those $10-million paydays by simply cutting the arsenal of agents, managers, lawyers, public relations staff, and the sixteen-member garden and kitchen staff and use the savings on a simple 3-bedroom house and a golf membership (what? You thought only rappers have posses? They're mere urchins compared to some of these white folks!)

In the meantime, the rest of us have to brace ourselves for events like Rocky VI...

TAGS: cash stallone rocky rambo

Kenny Chesney - A Biography in Hell

Kenny is the prototypical good 'ole boy. Heck, he even went to university in Tennessee (East that is.) That being said, you can't be in college forever (well, you could but you could be construed as really weird.) So if you're a good 'ole boy who has a voice that won't break the tiles when you sing in the shower, you have to think. There isn't much of a future in the tobacky fields. Truckers don't get the hottest chicks. You can't throw a football like your college bud, Peyton Manning. Hey, wait - those shower tiles hold up? Well dammit, I think I'm gonna sing for my supper!

So Kenny embarked on his career and made all the right moves at the right times. He got managers who knew there was a market left void because Randy Travis' hair got too grey and Garth Brooks got too rich to care anymore. He stole Dwight Yoakum's hat collection. He sprinkled "new country" ballads with songs that would attract all the folks from the "Drop-kick Me Jesus through the Goalposts of Life" school of titling (which explains "She Thinks My Tractor is Sexy".)

Alas time passes and Kenny managed to avoid the Jack Daniels and strip joints and when people see you spend all of your time in white shirts, tight blue jeans, and black hats, they start to wonder. Is our good 'ole boy living the right life? If he doesn't, he won't even be found in the delete bin in Tupelo. But Kenny and the entourage got wise. Sing more songs about women than ever. In fact, expand your audience by coming up with a ditty like "You Had Me From Hello". Neurotics will think of you as the male version of Renee Zellweger. Heck, you might even get the one and only Renee Zellweger!

Might? Did! So, in the course of three months, he met her and married her. Without a single paparazzi even finding out. Imagine that....

TAGS: music chesney pr whore cash