The MTV Video "Awards"

Clearly that was the Soul Train Awards and Coldplay's manager was just given the wrong information about the gig. Good LORD! What happened to the days of Howard Stern as Fartman? Or Ozzy Osbourne hosting while millions tried to figure what in the bloody hell he was saying? Or the original Van Halen reunion?

What a bunch of crap! Is R. Kelly that important that he merited about an hour on stage lip-synching some grade school story masquerading as music? The same R. Kelly who not only was stupid enough to engage in booty call with a 12-year old but even videotaped the damn thing? Was that Lil Kim CLOTHED?!?!?!?! Wasn't she supposed to be serving her perjury sentence already? How did she get time off before her trip to the big house? Hell, they didn't even give Martha Stewart enough time to hose the flowers before marching her straight to Camp Cupcake.

The MTV Video Awards is the shining example of why millions have turned to free MP3 downloading of their music. Once upon a time, Tom Petty would end the show jamming with Axl Rose. Now we get some showdown between "Clownin'" and "Krumpin". These are dances - the first having something to do with putting on your best Ronald McDonald impersonation outfit and akin to having a spastic fit after running out of Ritalin medication. The second I believe is the national dance of the Hutus before the Tutsis massacred them while the world was more focused on the new Hummer model.

From what I gather, the "story" of this show was Eva Longoria strutting on-stage with a "bikini" - for you older readers, basically a rehash Twiggy outfit - stolen from Christina Aguilera's closet. Or is that just Eva's handlers shamelessly squeezing all they can out of her last five minutes on the clock? Enquiring minds want to know.

About the only saving grace was the re-hashing of Beavis and Butthead who should really get a 30-minute special where they can massacre the "highlights" of this show to a most foul and necessary death.

Actually, there was another. The TV ratings on this one were the lowest in eight years. If there was any sense of humanity, send the limos, boats, and other shameless "bling bling" to New Orleans where a lot of those people can put them to much better use.

In the meantime, I'm fleeing to Canadian Idol...

TAGS: tv music awards mtv

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