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renee_zellweger.jpgRenee Zellwedder - A Biography in Hell

Renee is a good little Texas girl. She didn't know what to do with her life and if you're blonde, that means you either spend many years in therapy or become an actress (which allows you therapy AND a decent pay cheque if you hone the craft..) Anyway, she was slogging along in nothing special (unless you think a sequel to "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is a coup) when Cameron Crowe decided she was the perfect pixie blonde muse and cast her in "Jerry Maguire" alongside the Self-Proclaimed Grand Master of Psychiatry, Tommy Cruise. That was around the time the neurotic-self-help-books-for fellow-neurotics business was really taking off so, naturally, insecure women everywhere "connected" and Renee's career as a star was born (it worked for Crowe too because, since then, he's learned that his movies can only make money if he features heart-of-gold insecure blondes - see Kate Hudson in "Almost Famous" or Kirsten Dunst in the upcoming "Elizabethtown" for shining examples.

Renee was also as insecure as the audience that most adored her. So, like her audience, she went through boyfriends like blackjack Vegas card dealers go through decks. Alas, somebody in the entourage must have told her that if she keeps doing this past 30, it'll be perceived as too sluttish so she settled down. She decided to stretch things out with fellow neurotic Jim Carrey. Years later, when she realized that this was doomed to fail, she decided to do that chic thing so many neurotic actresses do on the rebound - hook up with a singer-songwriter. Renee picked Jack White. Problem was she spent an awful long time figuring out that the term "tortured songwriter" has a bearing of truth. Many more therapy sessions later - no doubt, and that engagement was off. Not that Jack minded since he took about ten minutes to meet and slap an engagement ring on the next girl his eyes met (albeit in typical rocker fashion, he honed in on a model - Karen Elson.)

Now those of you who thought the book "The Rules" was the gospel to snatching and marrying the man of your dreams, know that with your insecurities and neurosis comes a lot of spitefulness. Thus, Renee, only three years removed from the age where Hollywood does not give a crap about your three Golden Globes and an Oscar and sends you straight into the scrap bin (or three-episode gig on "ER"), needed to go one better. I can see the chat with the mirror - "Oh yeah Jack. Well, not only will I get another singer. It's going to be the guy at the next concert somebody gives me a free seat to AND I'll get a ring and be married faster than you can say 'London tabloid'.

And now you know the events leading to the marriage of Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney. Hell style.

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