Mate/Break/Procreate Update

Oh c'mon! What did you expect on 6-6-6? A review of "The Omen"? Sorry, once I saw the trailer, the immediate impression was "Julia Stiles=Mom. Yeah right!"

So what appalling things do we have coming into the summer of discontent?

Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston - still together. Maybe. I thought they'd be toast once "The Break-Up" opened lousy at the box office. However, the hurricanes didn't start so American audiences still wasting time and dollars on stuff like "X-Men 3" decided to throw a bone or twenty to see Jennifer's ass. Seriously. There can't be any other reason for attending a low-brow version of "The War of the Roses", can there?

Rachel Weisz. Baby! Weisz, if you don't remember, will be the answer to the question that at least 99 out of 100 people surveyed in early 2007 will not know - "Name the Best Supporting Actress Academy Award winner last year". Recommendation - mom handles the diapers. We saw what Dad can envision doing with bums in "Requiem for a Dream" and it really ain't pretty....

Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman - wedding bells. Apparently late June in Sydney, Australia. Mind you, I get this vibe that the rumor is false because i) it's winter in Sydney (although we should all have their kind of winter); ii) the whole relationship smells like "let's see what Tom and Katie do and then steal some spotlight". Okay, except Nicole is not pregnant. Mind you, unlike Katie, I'm guessing she won't need a turkey baster to do the job.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie - baby. Shiloh - "The Chosen One". What's with the goys heisting the Hebrew names? Mind you, good on them. The Jewish families have spent years being in Jewish denial and giving their kids names after bad soap opera characters. The next thing the goys can do is revive the Jewish-style delicatessen which the new generation treats as low class.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline - splitsville. Maybe. Mind you, I could have put the same line every month since, well, they got together. This time though we have that juvenile poem at the Brit's web site providing a clue. If true, it means that "K-Fed" will have had two wives and popped four kids before reaching 30. Somewhere, some street rapper is going "dammmmmmmmn!"

Woody Harrelson and Louie Louie (or is Laurie Louie?) - baby. And according to the "official statement" (which is either drafted by a PR flunkie or Woody high on weed), the completion of the "goddess trilogy". That playground war between Makani Ravallo, Shiloh, and Suri for lead goddess of the universe should be a blast....

Nadia Commenici and Bart Conner. Baby. Unless you followed Olympic gymnastics between 1976 and 1984, you won't care a less.

Ben Affleck's brother (Casey) and Joaquin Phoenix's sister (Summer). Married. Not only did I not know they were couple but they also procreated and produced an offspring in May 2004. By the way, the child's name is Indiana August. Bad enough when you give a kid some whacko name that will put him in therapy from age 5. It's another to name him after the time and place the parents did the horizontal tango and hit a bullseye (oh of COURSE I'm guessing!)

Lindsay Lohan and Brandon Davis. Coupled. Or not. Depends on who you ask and when. According to the Davis clan, Brandon and "firecrotch" - as he once referred to her in some drunken monlogue that would make Peter O'Toole proud - are one of a kind. According to Lohan's publicist, they are so NOT together since Lindsay is keeping a harem of European boyfriends in a cave overseas.

Anna Nicole-Smith. Preggers. No confirmation on the father but it's rumored to be some pauper schlub. No word on whether the baby will be born with a Trimspa spoon in his/her mouth.

Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz. Split. The explanation that Cruz has never been able to shoot a decent film in the United States since she parted with Tom Cruise is, again, unconfirmed.

TAGS: lohan pitt jolie aniston Vaughn Cruz Stiles Kidman Urban

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