image5.jpgCanadian Idolatry

In case your newswire isn't bursted to overload with releases from Canada's CTV television network like mine is, you might not have heard that the hunt for the fourth "Canadian Idol" has begun.

In case you don't remember the first three winners, don't worry - CTV doesn't either since, as opposed to the American counterpart which opens with that blaring themsong and some CGI android going up an elevator past Kelly, Ruben (why doesn't he count as two floors?), Fantasia, and Carrie, the Canadian android climbs past grain silos, the CN Tower, and a beaver. Okay, I'm not as certain about the beaver but I'll let you know....

Outside of border towns, American viewers probably don't see what ensues so let me give you a guide.

Host - America gets Ryan Seacrest who at least provides something interesting for 15 million viewers waiting to see if he finally declares that he's gay and for the other 15 million who think either "sickeningly metrosexual" or the male version of Cher. Personally, if nutty religious conservatives ever get way too much power in America, I'd suggest that he move to Montreal where he'd blend in perfectly. You can't be an English-speaking male there without having a minimum 50% effeminite characteristics (what? you thought speaking French was the concern?) Canada gets......an ex-Prime Minister's son. This, of course, is living proof that all of Canada's best entertainers have long moved to Los Angeles leaving us stuck with the probable result of what would happen if Alistair Cooke overdosed on happy pills (which makes for a great PBS joke for all two of you that still watch.)

Judges - America gets the "dawg" man who used to wear spandex with Journey and has that weird penchant for sub-18 year old white girls with pipes, the ditzy girl who either will explode out of her jeans if she doesn't get some horizontal action soon or pass out from a drug overdose on the air, and Hell.ca's Honorable Mascot, Simon Cowell who is so spot on that we'll forgive him for dumping "America's Got Gong Show Talent" on the world. Canada gets: one of its' most successful "artist managers" (although damned if I can find anything useful he has handled outside of The Tragically Hip) with a penchant for wearing short-sleeve dress shirts donated by the cast of "Saved by the Bell" (Jake Gold), a black artist manager entrusted with the task of finding black talent in Canada and grooming it to sell records in same country - which is sort of like grooming hell to freeze over (Farley Flex), a musician whose 15 minutes expired in 1988 (about the time she got Jake Gold as a manager) and got this gig after getting 496-pound boob implants which are so heavy that she has to drop them on the table in front of her to sit through a taping and with a habit of hating any femalist vocalist who can both sing and look better than her (Sass Jordan and neither characteristic is all that diffiicult to posess). And, oh yes, we must have a Canadian version of Simon Cowell. Now if you can picture Simon Cowell without even a miniscule percentage of the sense of humor and whose idea of constructive criticism has now come to nonsensical screaming tirades and hurling garbage cans across a rehearsal stage, then meet Zack Werner. Although, he's also served as a manager for Sass Jordan which would drive any of us to hurling garbage cans.

Anyway, this year's edition was down to 9 men and 9 women at time of publication. I keep hearing the judges allude to something about this being the strongest singing talent yet but damned if I've ever spotted even a single singer that remotely meets that standard. Maybe, in the end, it doesn't matter. I was starting to believe last year that the talent pool had either been used out or tried out for "Rock Star" instead. This year confirmed it. By the "read between the lines tally", at least half the final 22 contestants made it to the top 100+ rehearsal LAST year (nobody in "American Idol"'s top 20 can make a similar claim.) Yet again, CTV even stooped to pushing through a washout singer who had already had a professional recording contract (Rob James) and again will learn that the Canadian public won't buy into it by eliminating him as fast as humanly possible.

You'd also think that the network that boasts about Canadian Idol being handily the most watched program in the country at about 3 million viewers a week would actually spend more than 25 cents on the production. In the U.S., the top 20 got to perform in a big auditorium with a full backing band plus three vocalists and a horn section. Canada's Top 22 get to perform in what looks like Ben Mulroney's basement in front of 80 people in folding chairs which, once you take out the contestants, their families and the five seats set aside for the nightly entertainment at the upscale Toronto strip club (call it "lap dances by barter"), leaves about nothing for Joe Q Public (mind you, that saves on all those idiotic signs that earn you admission in the first place.)

Then again, you can practially mail-in the phone voting winner. The voting public is overwhelming female, teen-aged, and resides in Ontario or Alberta which fully explains why every single winner of the past contests has been either cute-butted androgyneous males (Ryan Malcolm, Kalan Porter) or females in the same age group with just a little extra booty but not too much to give them any extra ability - for instance, singing (Melissa O'Neil), all of whom come from....yup, Ontario or Alberta.

Anyway, to the viewers in Ontario and Alberta - enjoy this joke of a "talent" compeition. The rest of us will stick with "Hell's Kitchen"....

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