Eating Crow

Valentine’s Day is upon us. Time once again to celebrate that great massacre and when women of the world unite to ask their men that vital question “What have you done for my vanity lately?”

Okay, okay – lay down the arms. Of course, I’m referring to the world of celebrity. Over here at Hell, we love nothing more than the annual pre-Valentine’s Day ritual of the celebrity break-up.

Usually, I look to couple interviews on Oprah for the first sign that it’s all about to end within the next 12 months (hint: put the good bucks on Eva LaBoringa and Tony Parker calling it quits by next January). So I couldn’t contain my laughter – or more celebrate the fattening of my wallet – at the news that Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow called it quits.

Armstrong and Crow are near the apex when it comes to the mountain of arrogance. I know there are cycling fans that get all misty eyed about Armstrong’s legacy at the Tour de France. The fact of the matter is that nobody should get misty-eyed about anything involving France for one. For another, Lance doesn’t pass the smell test about what post-testicular cancer, er, “medication” he’s been taking. Even more appalling – and it seems lost on most of his “fans” and the suckers who buy his yellow bracelets (although thank goodness the proceeds go to a good cause because even that looks a ploy to sell Nike stuff) – is that he dumps his wife and three kids the second he tasted success. For Sheryl Crow.

Mind you, ‘ole Sheryl (she’s 44ish) is quite the con job herself – a talent mediocrity who gets by on paint-by-numbers rock albums and a penchant for passing off her life as a G-rated version of James Frey (she goes through more bouts of depression between albums than Paris Hilton goes through Greek shipping heirs.) Never mind that she pulled one of the great stunts of the 90’s pretending that her song in the movie “Leaving Las Vegas” was semi-autobiographical when the facts indicated that, not only was she not writing about herself, she didn’t even write the song to begin with!

The flock of nauseating couples is long but one less is small step for man and one giant leap for global sanity…

TAGS: break-up Lance Armstrong Sheryl Crow