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How Swanky

So I hear that Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe parted ways before the California community property laws get really nasty. Isn't that romantic? The way I understand it, you can really be up the creek once you hit the 10-year mark. Apparently, Mike Myers was too focused on hoping the Toronto Maple Leafs would win a Stanley Cup some time in his (or my) lifetime and forgot he was married to Robin for 12 years so that’s going to be about a $25 million or so error. Tom Cruise, heartthrob and every lesbian’s favorite pool boy (if I’m to believe Rosie O’Donnell), threaded it to the needle before giving Nicole Kidman the boot. Hilary though hit all the right buttons. Consider:

1) She announces the split in early January because tabloid journalists are still too well into their hangovers to really explore the matter more fully (a point in time perfected by Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston last year at about the same time.) Personally, I now anticipate that celebrity splits (“DISengagements.ca”???) will be very similar to ratings sweeps periods in which they’ll all occur at specific points. Translated: Britney and her new Kato Kaelin looks like a good bet to move on around Memorial Day.

2) She ends it at 8 years. That way, you won’t be construed as a greedy opportunist like Cruise (of course, being a woman, you know Swank would get far more negative publicity.)

And make no mistake – she ended it. Really, this should not have been hard to predict. Chad Lowe barely has a career and still looks like he could play 12 years old if pressed into service. Since he has nothing better to do, and since he probably still didn’t get over being forgotten in Swank’s first Oscar speech, he probably decided he needed to start a career as a sperm provider post-haste. Problem is that Swank is now a two-time Oscar-winner pulling in some good paychecks but getting closer to the magic mark – age 40 - where she’s thrown overboard to a future of cameo appearances on the new millennium version of “Beverly Hills 90210” (which she once toiled for a half a year.)

So congratulations to Swank’s agent, legal staff, accountants, and other hangers on – you’ll still be getting your cuts while Hilary forgoes the maternity leave downtime. Imagine the cellphone bills you all can still run up!

TAGS: divorce Swank Lowe Community Property