All About Eva Longoria

All About Eva

The Culture Vulture can't take it anymore. He's tried to suppress bringing it out for about 9 months. Enough is enough.

Who is Eva Longoria and why does she literally hog every two-bit tabloid magazine and television program on the planet?

Yes, yes - I know about "Desperate Housewives". Heck, I watch it every week. Okay, it's more like my wife hijacks the remote and pretty much forces me to watch. Not that I mind. Compared to something like "Big Brother" (USA version), Desperate Housewives would rank with The Godfather. Seriously though, I ask anybody who watches this show - where does Eva Longoria rank amongst the actresses you watch? Even assume you like her most because you're hot for Latinas and watching Teri Hatcher's horrific nose job (note to plastic surgeon: I think you left a medical instrument in her right nostril. Please remove ASAP!) Do you really care what carpet she walks on every single day! But this week takes the cake. Eva Longoria has been "snubbed" an Emmy nomination. Get real! A primer to any of you who get sucked in by this crap:

1) She's not as much an actress as a D-level has-been who lucked (fluked?) her way into a top series. Go through her acting resume and you find a couple of years on "The Young and The Restless" sandwiched amongst a bunch of films so horrendous that they didn't even merit release as a B-movie "classic". Oh yeah, she was in the series "L.A. Dragnet". Were you pissed that she didn't get an Emmy nomination for that? Oh, I forgot. That lasted one (painful) season.

2) Her part in Desperate Housewives is the materialistic Latin neighbour who pretty much gets one snappy line per three episodes and gets to slink across a bed in a negligee approximately once per EVERY episode. Not necessarily bad work. Certainly enough to get her at least three decent movie parts in the next couple of years would be my guess. I would also guess that none of those parts will earn her A-level billing or an Oscar nomination - no matter what her public relations people think.

3) She's not a particularly sexy Latin actress either. She could be a bitchy prima-donna but Jennifer Lopez is one example that fits the category. And I would bet the farm that, the second she takes a month off from being a publicity whore, her return will prompt the tabloids to speculate on who did the boob job.

4) She sure knows how to move up the celebrity bedmate ladder. About as fast as the Nielsen ratings came in on the first episode of Housewives, she ditched her famous hubby, one Tyler Christopher and moved on to J.C. Chasez. When, *ahem*, somebody reminded her that Mr. Chasez was merely a third fiddle in *NSYNC, she decided to move in to the Madonna/Toni Braxton/Brandy concept of finding an NBA player to do the horizontal tangle. She obviously started on her home state of Texas and once she crossed out the consequential ones who were married or had assorted habits that could lead to future negative publicity (which you can take once you make $10 million a film or $70 million a year on a concert tour), she zeroed in on San Antonio Spurs point guard Tony Parker.

Desperate Housewives seems to be the evil step-child of what happens when you try to fuse "Melrose Place" and "Twin Peaks". If you average out how long it took for nobody to give a damn about Jake anymore and the mystery of who killed Laura Palmer was unveiled, my guess is Eva's TV show has about two more seasons to run. Maybe three. Based on her excessive attempts to make herself bigger than she really is (you'd think she's the big star of "The Sentinel" which recently shot in Toronto until you find out that she's co-starring with Michael Douglas, Kiefer Sutherland, and Kim Basinger or, in other words, people with real careers to talk about), I'd have to place Eva Longoria at about...oh..let's call it about 11.5 minutes on the 15-minute fame clock. I don't expect the clock to be wound back any time soon.

Unless she can be converted to Scientology. Hmmm....

TAGS: housewives longoria tv